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AegisRunestone.8672
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Give me your best (or worst) Guild Wars 2 Puns/Jokes
AegisRunestone.8672
Member ✭✭✭
(Note: the first two I post here I saw on map-chat. So, I apologize if I steal the original person's thunder. ^^; )
Which dragon is best with computers?
Tech-quatl
How does Jormag like his tea?
Ice-brewed
What's Primordus' favorite catch-phrase?
Burn, baby, burn!
What's Zhaitan's favorite type of music?
Death Metal
Where does Tyblat go to eat?
Applebees
Kay, I'm done. I've committed some horrible crimes against humanity, now it's your turn! 
17
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These puns are Orr-ible!
Asura characters: Zerina | Myndee | Bekka | Akee | Feyyt | Nuumy | Tylee | Rissa | Jaxxi | Sixx | Claara | Conii | Jymm | Synn | Zeena
Your skin will wrinkle and your youth will fade but your soul is endless
We had this thread on the old forums, lots of cringe was had.
That thread also contained my most upvoted post ever with this joke ahem:
**- Why was an asura turned away at a restaurant?
Thankyou, thankyouverymuch
We don't have Taimi for this, get back to work.
Why did the miner go to Cursed Shore? He was looking for some Orr.
What do you call a cut down Sylvari who tried to flee?
A Caesar salad.
Turn off the lights at night, or you'll attract mordre moths
To defeat the dragons, see the good in them.
Zhaitan reunites lost ones, primordus creates fertile land, mordremoth spreads the green, and jormag..
..jormag? Who's that?
Those are goooood.
What did the Risen say to the Awakened?
"You guys killed Zhaitan? Don't Joko with me!"
One of my favorites from the old forums:
Logan catches a lot of flak for running away from Kralkatorrik, but we all know it was Snaff that didn't have the guts to finish the fight.
Many alts! Handle it!
"A condescending answer might as well not be an answer at all."
-Eloc Freidon.5692
Map chat was talking about underwater content this morning. One guy said well, we now have a mount so we can skim over the water and completely avoid it. I said oh yeah, we have the skipper!
How many mushroom chargers does it take to change a light bulb?
One, plus the two dozen pocket raptors you didn't see.
ahem ahem
What did the priory scholar say while studying insects?
Grub-a-dub-dub
What organisation are tourist guides a part of?
Grant a vista foundation.
Thieves are always off performing stunts.
Those daredevils.
I love aurene, especially because of the glint in here eyes.
If grenth styles your hair, does that mean you had a brush with death?
Oh that dwayna, she breathes life into me.
Lion's arch has a storage problem.
Too many kraits.
A guardian taught me the secret to happiness. Meditation.
"Well well well" said the necromancer, killing his enemies.
A ghost was screaming in agony, it was experiencing phantom pain.
And last but not least, my absolute favourite pun ever, is not however one of my own making, but by someone who's character name is Mea Nauova.
What's Tyria's favourite card game? Charr against humanity.
EDIT: to clarify, me and Mea were throwing puns back and forth and i loved the convo so much i screenshot it. Otherwise i'd never have remembered that person's character name XD
Whataboutism is disingenuous at best. If you join a debate and provide little to no proof when the other side provides lots of evidence, you can't then declare yourself the winner of that debate. I won't engage with bad faith arguments.
A Guardian Walks into a bar
Block
Revah was gathering mah tier 3, all in bris.
Bane was arround and F'Orrged some brown bearies.
After her steaks were at Coo fifty, she asked for No Moa!
A Mordrem Reaver, night approached and killed the bookah.
Revah within Bane was not an Odgen.
So she ran for her life, for cotton the mats.
Back in LA, with no moa'ney or crafts.
What do you get if you mix a Sylvari and a Tengu? Chiken salad.
Ah, I actually have a joke I've wanted to share for a while.
Power Warrior
Volhryol O Maelstom - Chronomancer
Ghelviir O Maelstom - Druid
TheSlothArmada - Berserker
Builds: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1jEaFeEWMhn3_c9Dt7DlOKWMHOVyRbWDSbEEgpSgrTMY/edit?usp=sharing
What do you call a thief elite spec that slacks off, a lazy eye
What happened to the Clumsy charr when he fell into the lava pit...
...He became CHARR-grilled. ^-^
What are the strong-willed Sylvari to Mordremoth? A thorn in his side.
What do Elder Dragons do when they need some sunlight? They get a Zhai-tan.
Why is the Pale Tree so pale? She lives in the sun-blight.
What Taimi is it? I Canach tell.
I'd say that Mordremoth is a very shady dragon.
It's said that Trahearne loves to island crawl. (I love the guy, but every time he says "Crawl Island", I somehow manage to cringe and laugh at the same time.)
And that's all I have, any rotten produce thrown will be promptly eaten. Thank you.
"How so big the sea hills how so deep the blue beneath.
Hail from the main and comest thou home."
Sigrdrífumál
Նոտ ենուղ պատիենծե
Will work for hugs and head pets.
Also food.
Why did Zhaitan and Mordremoth's acting careers fail?
Mordremoth was wooden and Zhaitan corpsed all the time.
Heard this one a few years back:
How does Trahearne change a light bulb?
"Commander, a word."
In the event I don't get a chance, thank you all for the company and help when I needed it from time to time.
I laughed hard at this one.
Oh you. Such good stuff here!
Heh heh heh.
You guys are doing great! Keep it up! ^_^
(Old joke from a previous joke thread)
How many Charr does it take to light a barbecue?
I don’t know, but there’s a lot of Charr running around with the last name of Burntfur.
Be careful what you ask for
ANet might give it to you.
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LOL! I love it! XD
From the old and soon to be gone forum. Saved for forum history because they’re funny (well, I thought they were) and for many of them, in memory of those who used to post but have moved on.
Zaoda.1653
What do you call a trio of sylvari engineers?
The TREE musketeers.
Amnon.4769
How many Elementalists does it take to change a light bulb?
10; One to change the light bulb, and 9 to post on the forums about how much easier it is for Thieves to do it.
Chessrook.8643
A Norn, a Charr, a Human, and a Sylvari walk into a bar.
The Asura walks under it.
Gibson.4036
Two Asura walked into a mini-bar…
Bvhjdbvkjf.1987
If a lone Sylvari falls in the forest, does it make a grunt?
Neural.1824
What’s the Iron Legions favorite wine?
Charr-donnay
How much rock could a Rock Dog rake if a Rock dog could rake rock?
A Rock Dog would rake all the rock he could rake if a Rock Dog could rake rock.
The Iron Legions preferred BBQ fuel? Charr-coal of course.
The Blood Witch started providing the Tamini with food for their Rock Dogs. It’s being marketed under the name Chuck Quaggon
Where does the Blood Witch shop for dishes, cooking bowls and utensils? Krait & Barrel.
Logan “Tutone” Thackery:
“Jennah I got your number
I need to make you mine
Jennah don’t change your number…
867-5309”
VOLKON.1290
A Norn and Sylvari stop in an inn just outside Hoelbrak for some refreshments after a long day adventuring. The Norn bellows to the bartender “Your largest and strongest ale!”. The Norn around him cheer him on in encouragement. The Sylvari then turns to the bartender “I’ll have a water please.”
A hush falls over the crowd as they look in stunned disbelief. The Norn says to his friend “You’ll have to order something stronger than that in this place, friend.” The Sylvari turns back to the bartender “… and put it in a dirty vase.”
Why is it a bad idea to challenge a Sylvari to a duel?
Everyone knows they never go anywhere without their pistil.
Did you hear about the rodents that tried to raid the Asura turbine factory?
Some say the skritt really hit the fan that day.
One day it came to pass that Trahearne was finally captured by the Orrians, bound up and tossed into the bottomless pit of despair. His last words can still be heard echoing up from the depths… “This well won’t end!”
LowestTruth.2635
A visitor comes to a tavern in a remote corner of Metrica Province. Asurans gathered around the tables occasionally yell numbers out loud and start laughing. “#118833!” or “#88841!”.
The visitor asks the bartender why they are doing this, and the bartender says “They’ve heard the same jokes so many times that they stopped telling them; now they just yell out the numbers.”
The visitor, trying to fit in, yells “#556813!” and no one laughs.
The bartender says “Well, some people can tell jokes and some can’t.”
EMTDJ.9042
So, We all have heard about what happened when the Dredge and the Flame Legion teamed up. I bet you haven’t heard about what happened when the Flame Legion tried to team up with the Nightmare Court… Lets just say it didn’t end well for the Nightmare Court… It was a hot mess when they tried to shake hands to seal the deal, the Nightmare Court were left flame red handed, and the Nightmare Court never tried to branch out for friends again, no if, ands, or bark about it… Lets just leaf it at that.
A Rock Dog was chasing a Sylvan Hound through the forrest when it hopped up into some trees. The Rock Dog then started barking at the trees. The trees began to move and it was an Oakheart. Lets just say the Rock Dog quickly realized he was barking up the wrong tree.
timmyf.1490
What’ Logan Thackeray’s favorite song? Flock of Seagulls – I Ran
Atlas.9704
Two Norns were arguing who was the best.
They boasted, they drank, and they kept trying to top each other’s stories.
All the Norn around them listened as one drunkenly said, “I’m trying to prove my point: I’m better than you!”
Finally the leader of the lodge walks up, takes their mugs away, and demands they sleep this off.
The two drunken Norn asked her, “HEY Who do you think is better between the two of us?!”
The Lodge Leader shrugs and says, “I don’t know nor care. It would be a Moot point.”
Mesmer favorite song: “I think I’m a clone now”
JubeiTM.5763
Q: How do you know if there is a Dolyak in your refrigerator?
A: The door won’t shut!
Q: What time is it when a Dolyak sits on the fence?
A: Time to fix the fence!
Mad Queen Malafide.7512
What do you call centaur swimwear? A taminibikini!
How many mesmers does it take to light a candle?
Two! One to create the illusion that it’s lit, and another to keep the first mesmer’s pants up.
How many Asura does it take to blow up a reactor?
Also two! One to conclude that this might be dangerous, and a second to disagree with him.
What do you call a Charr Barbershop?
Ascalon Cat-a-combs.
metaldude.4132
I roamed these lands once
Then I met a really very healthy centaur warrior
His name was ViTamini..
Silver.8023
“How many Necromancers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two, one to change the lightbulb and another to clean the blood off everything.”
Two humans walk into a bar, one says to the other, ‘How many Charr does it take to change a lightbulb?’, to which the other replies, ’What’s a lightbulb?’”
Fyrebrand.4859
Q: How many Order of Whispers agents does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: We already did, when you weren’t looking.
Q: How many Norn does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Fifty! One to change the bulb, and the others to drink long into the night and sing tales of the heroic adventure!
Q: How many Guardians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One. You just put the lightbulb on his head, stand him under the socket, give him a greatsword, and let him spin around for a while.
Q: How many thieves does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One to shatter the bulb with the well-aimed throw of a dagger — then, in the pitch darkness, stab you in the back and relieve you of all possessions. That is all.
Q: How many asura does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Only a bookah would phrase the question in such an simplistic manner, without appreciating the complexities of the situation. Naturally, asuran lightbulbs never need to be changed, so a security golem must sweep the area for the insurgents who vandalized said lightbulb. Next, we analyze the room with a spatial spectrometer to measure light reflection dynamics. In the event of sub-optimal parameters, an entirely new room may need to be constructed around the lightbulb, so as to fully take advantage of luminescent interplay. During construction, the security golem will be occupied with dispensing refreshments to the workers, so additional personnel will be called in…. etc. etc. etc.
Nightarch.2943
’What’s the fastest way to anger a norn? Tell her that you’ve never heard of her. Ahh. it’s funny because it’s true.’
‘I hear the mortality rate for Hylek is very high. They croak every night!’
‘Why can’t you borrow money from a dwarf? Because they’re always a little short.’
’What’s a norn’s favourite drink?The next one! They’re all drunk.’
‘Two quaggans were walking in a cow posture. The first one turns to the second and says, “Foo.” The other replies, “Cows say moo.” The first looks down at his flippers and says, “no, foo. poo.”’
Link.4039
What do you get when you use Hundred Blades on a Sylvari and a Tengu?
-Chicken Salad.
Cloud Windfoot Omega.7485
Q: How many Norn doe sit take to screw in a light-bulb
A: Two! One to hold the light bulb in place, the other to drink until the room spins
Poledo.3256
An Asura, a Human and a Norn walk into a bar,
They pull up a seat at a table and the Norn orders a round of drinks.
When the drinks arrive, each one has a fly in it.
The Asura looks disgusted and pushes his drink to the side,
The Human flicks the fly out and downs the drink,
The Norn grabs the fly by the wings and yells at it “Spit it out ya kitten, spit it out!”
VictoriousMonk.7150
A Covington pirate walks into a bar in Lion’s Arch with a peg leg, a parrot on his shoulder, and a steering wheel on his pants.
The bartender says, “Hey, you’ve got a steering wheel on your pants.”
The pirate says, “Yaarrrr, I know. It’s driving me nuts!”
Uriel Saintclair.6345
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
An Asura “I cant reach the door bell”
UKNightWatch.5742
How would Rytlock teach children learn to read?
See.
See Thackeray.
See Thackeray run.
Run! Thackeray run.
Three Norn walk into a bar. You’d think one of them would have seen it!
And a really silly one to end with for now;
So, a neutron walks into an Asura bar and states “I’d like a beer, please.”
After the bartender gave him one, he asks “How much will that be?”
“For you?” says the bartender “No charge.”
Be careful what you ask for
ANet might give it to you.
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Copy and paste from my old post in the old forum with a minor tweak:
What does a player call the mystic forge when trying to get a precursor for a Legendary dagger?
The Incinerator
What do you call a player trying to get a precursor for a Legendary shortbow?
The Dreamer
What did they player with The Dreamer tell his guild mates?
"Never play leap frog with a unicorn."
What did the brand new player say when he got his Legendary?
"Thanks MasterCard!"
Kormir.
/10 character limit.
Steady Sniper Deadeye
Thief GS - Dark Knight
YOU NEVER HELPED US ANYWAY!
(I can't NOT see that video anymore)
Steady Sniper Deadeye
Thief GS - Dark Knight
There's some Dad-joke level puns/jokes ITT. XD
"For the Panini!" // NA (USA)/Ehmry Bay/[EBAY] [ZHED] [Ruin]
Main characters: Passiflora Dionaea--Lvl 80 Female Sylvari Reaper, Runa Xandrill--Lvl 80 Female Human Dragonhunter
Rytlock's on your ankles: Ryt-socks
Rytlock and a shield: Ryt-block
Making fun of Rytlock: Ryt-mock
Rytlock won't shut up: Ryt-talk
Rytlock in a dress: Ryt-smock
Rytlock sticks a claw in the outlet: Ryt-shock
Rytlock plays guitar: Ryt-rock
Rytlock goes for a stroll: Ryt-walk
Rtylock at your door: Ryt-knock
I'm tired, lol, these are just stupid.
I haven't seen this old one come up yet, but i don't remember exactly how it goes, or who first came up with it.
The commander, Rytlock, and Braham find a new weapon that can save the world, who gets it?
Trahearne
Why do you never see dolyaks hiding in trees?
Because they're good at it!
Ask a child a question and you'll get a childish answer.
Zhaitan after seeing the other dragons
I'd rather keep going.. wherever the wind takes us
How do two Norn wind up a toy?
One holds the lever, the other drinks till the room spins
To defeat the dragons, see the good in them.
Zhaitan reunites lost ones, primordus creates fertile land, mordremoth spreads the green, and jormag..
..jormag? Who's that?
My goodness, that's hilarious. XD
Stupidly AWESOME.
Good job, man. 
WvW
Lol - I win
We have a winner.
That one IS really good. XD
A Norn leaving a bar.
An unattractive Mesmer.
A fight with Thrahearne at your side, that ends well.
A sober Norn.
Nothing to see here - move along.
One of my favorites is in the Rata Sum dungeons. Apparently (this was before HoT), around 2014, people figured out you could get jailed in Rata Sum for trying to jump off the edge of the city.
We had a lot of prisoners in Rata Sum that day. XD (Including myself)
One guy (a charr IIRC) said: "It's not so bad. They gave us cookies, and there's free Wi-Fi! It's great!" I took a screenshot of that. Best day ever.
What is an Iron Legion's favorite alcoholic beverage?
Charr-donay.
"Beware those who would deny you access to information, for in his heart he dreams himself your master."
Tempest, Spellbreaker, Mirage, Scourge
[AGNY] - Eternal Agony Guild, Sanctum of Rall
I may or may not have been part of that - at least I remember cookies and Wi-Fi being discussed,
Nice. Did you see an asura thief in full sneakthief (save hood) in blue/light green named "Vini Yunio"? If so, that was me.
Which race invented perfume?
The Scent-aurs.
A Guardian, an Engineer, a Mesmer, and a Necromancer were all sitting in a pub.
"I remember the good old days when I would get a few fellow Guardians and vanquish foes with our hammers faster than anyone else could manage," said the Guardian. "Alas, that time is passed."
The Necromancer frowned.
"Pah!" exclaimed the Engineer. "My grenades used to be stronger than that! I would kill my foes just by throwing the grenades at them. They didn't even need to explode!"
The Necromancer looked down at his drink.
The Mesmer slammed the table. "That's nothing! I would slaughter my enemies en masse just by jumping near them! But again, the Mists have changed and I can no longer do it."
The Necromancer started shaking, sobbing a bit.
"What's his problem?" asked the Mesmer.
The Guardian sighed. "He's a Scourge."
Plague Signet is the only skill in the game that is worse when traited.
What did the Spooky Raptor say to the Normal Raptor?
"I forgot which channel my Pumpkin color is on."
Yo mama so fat she can cap Stonemist from Overlook.
Rehashing another old one.
The norn were gathered to remember those that had fallen to Mordremoth. It was a case of Eir today, Garm tomorrow.
<< didnt know a pun could physically hurt.
1: Phooboo is sad.. Phooboo failed again..
2: Phooboo, what have I been telling you?
1: .. I'm quaggan.. not quaggan't
To defeat the dragons, see the good in them.
Zhaitan reunites lost ones, primordus creates fertile land, mordremoth spreads the green, and jormag..
..jormag? Who's that?
How does Trahern like his steak?
Well Done!
Why do charrs have such big rumps?
They was born in Ascalon
i know that probably sucked but puns arent my forte i just like straight insults lmao.
But my fav pun or joke w/e wanna call it. Is that charr in silverwastes call sylvarie talking cabbages and asura mice.
Every time i go there i like to wait for him to talk that smack. I always giggle genius anet just genius.
I liked talking cabbage so much tried make my guardian named that.
Unfortunately, someone beat me to it who ever you are i love and respect you deeply.
Tarnished Coast resident for 6 years. Teknowledgy/Engineer, Teknowledge/Ranger, Warlord Of Ascalon/Warrior, Massari Kundalini/Revenant, Semmi Ghostep/Thief, Lord of Deth/Necromancer, Beasty Cabbage/Guardian, Mesmarista/Mesmer, Lei Moon/Elementalist, Guild: Legion of Deth (DETH)