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My hyperbolic Elementalist journey


TIM.3064

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>Download and play GW2 for the first time

>Character creation

>Elementalist 

*"Elementalists harness the power of the four elements—water, earth, fire, and air—to cast powerful spells. Their ability to change their elemental attunement midcombat is versatile but difficult to master. "* ~ANET.trololol

"High skill ceiling versatile powerful spells you say? Must be a big brain jack of all trades glass cannon"

>Decides to main staff b/c wizard and fireballs etc

"Oh I can't switch weapons, so if I get into a fight I'm locked to a ranged staff? AH! That's what the conjured weapons are for"

>PAIN PAIN PAIN PAIN WHY

>Quickly realize that only the earth shield has any real utility, and it's a wasted slot

"Oh I guess the trade off is that the staff must be really strong at range" <- clueless

>Darwinism trains me to rely heavily on CCs and meatshields to stumble through story campaigns using staff condi, almost never use basic ranged autoattacks

>Finishes personal story, living world, thorns etc.

>Praise be condition damage and rally

"Huh I seem to be VERY glass cannon, but at least my CC+AOE + Condi is okay against mobs, it does take a really, really long time to kill stuff though, and if I get caught out of rotation or endurance I instantly die"

>Have to pay very close attention to not get downed, PvE need to focus purely on healing and tankiness or else get melted near instantly, only saving grace is conditions are very strong against braindead normal AI enemies

>Meatshield summons too

>Time passes

>People get confused and angry when I joined dungeons/raids and I atune outside of water

>Saving grace is mobility

>AOEs spells virtually worthless against bosses

>Crawls through glass to reach high PvP and WvW ranks

"Welp if I ever 1 v X I will be melted 100% of the time, and if I 1 v 1 anyone I can't burst down within the earth sigil, electric stun, gust knockback, into funny earth wall whilst they melt from fire and bleed I can just firestep teleport speed buff run away forever"

>Only viable anti-player playstyle is to CC lockdown a player, fart small amounts of high damage fire and earth, then bravely run away

>People treat me as if I'm a cryptid, braindamaged, or memeing for using staff

>Everytime I manage to down people in sPvP or PvP I get dmed that I'm an amazing staff user

"Huh?"

>Can't beat anyone that has decent sustain, cleanse, stealth, or lots of CCs

>Got so attuned to potato staff in sPvPs that I've stale mated so many people via CC spam and escape skills that they conceded just to end a 5 minute duel

>Literately everyone telling me staff is garbage and only used for heal "mutts" that parasite with newbie groups, and is basically unused by most vets

>Also that conditions for elementalist is basically trash and that I should focus strike damage

>My build is built around it

*"Ah but in WvW you can get many numbers with staff by throwing AOEs with condis into zerg"*

>Gets center of screen horded by many numbers especially red numbers, whilst doing absolutely nothing tangible to horde of boon zombies"

>Need to quickly switch between travel build and AOE build on staff as to not instantly get melted when caught out in travel

"Well I'm bored of staff, crutching on hard CCs condition bursts gets boring after a while since it's all based on the other player's build and if they have more than a single braincell"

>Decides to try scepter and focus

*Not absolutely anemic*

"WHOAH, I can actually 1 v 1 more players"

>Feels better than staff in literally everything except healing*

>Pool of builds that instantly melt me goes from massively overwhelming to just overwhelming*

>Have to decide between eh DPS, okay survivability

>Reused the same CC strat I learned from Staff kitten as everything else wasn't as useful, but crutched hard using chill

"Can't seem to get away from sigil of fire, sigil of earth, and summon elemental."

>Mobs actually die in an acceptable amount of time

>Can actually kill sweaty thiefs or deadeyes if they're braindead, otherwise can just stalemate them till they get bored

>Ironically better AOE than staff

>Autoattacks ACTUALLY USEFUL

>Condi build is slightly better

>Still need to pay close attention to what other player is doing as mistiming a rotation for 2 seconds == death

>Players constantly try to clip their character into my character to prevent my character from casting but months of staff suffering has given me advanced kiting skill

>Gets even more number spam in WvW with a larger total

>Trying dagger and focus

>Decide to actually talk to sweaty nerds about how to meta the fun out of trying the game

"Kind of feels like elementalist is high skill ceiling just to play at a base level with the other classes"

"Nah dude, Catalyst is top tier!"

"I play core, and put all my extra points into weaver"

"Ah that sucks, but with weaver you can play healer or buffer etc"

"..."

"It's because elementalist was op and anet nerfed them a lot"

>Basically Elementalist is either play Cata or be a buff/heal vending machine for other players

>Core is a noob trap

>Staff is a noob trap

>Time passes

>Anet is adding mainhand pistol and it's condition focused!

"Woah, maybe I can switch from strike to condition!"

>Load up GW2, Login to elementalist

>Equip pistol in main hand

>As soon as I try to shoot a mob, the game freezes, an evil laugh plays, lemon juice squirts out of the monitor into my eyes, and a laser lights my hair on fire.

>A horde of Anet employees break into my room and start beating me with sticks whilst laughing

"Wow the pistol is garbage."

>Try Thief

>As soon as I finish creating a character my computer's CD drive opens and there's a roast beef sandwich (my favorite)

>Try Necromancer

>An anet employee walks into my room with a bottle of good chilled bourbon

>Try Warrior

>Another employee shows up and begins to massage my feet

>The catharsis of how braindead yet more rewarding the other classes I tried whiplashes into a mental aneurysm

>Decide to make crybaby forum post rant for funnies

>They don't even have the icon for elementalist despite having the other core classes

Can anyone else relate?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Jokes aside, if you want to play ele as a "braindead" DPS you can do that.  Scepter condi tempest is very easy to play.  It has no AA chain to interrupt, AI pets, 4 second channels, and just camps fire attunement.  And if you want to adapt such a build to solo play,  you can just slap trailblazer gear on it and it'll facetank champions while killing them in well under a minute.  If you have your heart set on glass cannon builds, ele is capable there, too.  But as with any class, if you want to roll pure DPS with nothing devoted to defense, you do have to have some idea of what you're doing or you'll probably die a lot.

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