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Give me your best (or worst) Guild Wars 2 Puns/Jokes

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(Note: the first two I post here I saw on map-chat. So, I apologize if I steal the original person's thunder. ^^; )Which dragon is best with computers?Tech-quatl

How does Jormag like his tea?Ice-brewed

What's Primordus' favorite catch-phrase?Burn, baby, burn!

What's Zhaitan's favorite type of music?Death Metal

Where does Tyblat go to eat?Applebees

Kay, I'm done. I've committed some horrible crimes against humanity, now it's your turn! =)

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ahem ahem

What did the priory scholar say while studying insects?Grub-a-dub-dub

What organisation are tourist guides a part of?Grant a vista foundation.

Thieves are always off performing stunts.Those daredevils.

I love aurene, especially because of the glint in here eyes.

If grenth styles your hair, does that mean you had a brush with death?

Oh that dwayna, she breathes life into me.

Lion's arch has a storage problem.Too many kraits.

A guardian taught me the secret to happiness. Meditation.

"Well well well" said the necromancer, killing his enemies.

A ghost was screaming in agony, it was experiencing phantom pain.

And last but not least, my absolute favourite pun ever, is not however one of my own making, but by someone who's character name is Mea Nauova.

What's Tyria's favourite card game? Charr against humanity.

EDIT: to clarify, me and Mea were throwing puns back and forth and i loved the convo so much i screenshot it. Otherwise i'd never have remembered that person's character name XD

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Revah was gathering mah tier 3, all in bris.Bane was arround and F'Orrged some brown bearies.After her steaks were at Coo fifty, she asked for No Moa!A Mordrem Reaver, night approached and killed the bookah.Revah within Bane was not an Odgen.So she ran for her life, for cotton the mats.Back in LA, with no moa'ney or crafts.

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What are the strong-willed Sylvari to Mordremoth? A thorn in his side.What do Elder Dragons do when they need some sunlight? They get a Zhai-tan.Why is the Pale Tree so pale? She lives in the sun-blight.What Taimi is it? I Canach tell.I'd say that Mordremoth is a very shady dragon.It's said that Trahearne loves to island crawl. (I love the guy, but every time he says "Crawl Island", I somehow manage to cringe and laugh at the same time.)And that's all I have, any rotten produce thrown will be promptly eaten. Thank you. <3

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@"notebene.3190" said:Heard this one a few years back:

How does Trahearne change a light bulb?

"Commander, a word."

I laughed hard at this one. =)

@"Tsakhi.8124" said:What are the strong-willed Sylvari to Mordremoth? A thorn in his side.What do Elder Dragons do when they need some sunlight? They get a Zhai-tan.Why is the Pale Tree so pale? She lives in the sun-blight.What Taimi is it? I Canach tell.I'd say that Mordremoth is a very shady dragon.It's said that Trahearne loves to island crawl. (I love the guy, but every time he says "Crawl Island", I somehow manage to cringe and laugh at the same time.)And that's all I have, any rotten produce thrown will be promptly eaten. Thank you. <3

Oh you. Such good stuff here! :)

@crazyhusky.2985 said:What happened to the Clumsy charr when he fell into the lava pit...

...He became CHARR-grilled. ^-^

Heh heh heh.

You guys are doing great! Keep it up! ^_^

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From the old and soon to be gone forum. Saved for forum history because they’re funny (well, I thought they were) and for many of them, in memory of those who used to post but have moved on.

Zaoda.1653What do you call a trio of sylvari engineers?The TREE musketeers.

Amnon.4769How many Elementalists does it take to change a light bulb?10; One to change the light bulb, and 9 to post on the forums about how much easier it is for Thieves to do it.

Chessrook.8643A Norn, a Charr, a Human, and a Sylvari walk into a bar.The Asura walks under it.

Gibson.4036Two Asura walked into a mini-bar…

Bvhjdbvkjf.1987If a lone Sylvari falls in the forest, does it make a grunt?

Neural.1824What’s the Iron Legions favorite wine?Charr-donnay

How much rock could a Rock Dog rake if a Rock dog could rake rock?A Rock Dog would rake all the rock he could rake if a Rock Dog could rake rock.

The Iron Legions preferred BBQ fuel? Charr-coal of course.

The Blood Witch started providing the Tamini with food for their Rock Dogs. It’s being marketed under the name Chuck QuaggonWhere does the Blood Witch shop for dishes, cooking bowls and utensils? Krait & Barrel.

Logan “Tutone” Thackery:“Jennah I got your numberI need to make you mineJennah don’t change your number…867-5309”

VOLKON.1290A Norn and Sylvari stop in an inn just outside Hoelbrak for some refreshments after a long day adventuring. The Norn bellows to the bartender “Your largest and strongest ale!”. The Norn around him cheer him on in encouragement. The Sylvari then turns to the bartender “I’ll have a water please.”A hush falls over the crowd as they look in stunned disbelief. The Norn says to his friend “You’ll have to order something stronger than that in this place, friend.” The Sylvari turns back to the bartender “… and put it in a dirty vase.”

Why is it a bad idea to challenge a Sylvari to a duel?Everyone knows they never go anywhere without their pistil.

Did you hear about the rodents that tried to raid the Asura turbine factory?Some say the skritt really hit the fan that day.

One day it came to pass that Trahearne was finally captured by the Orrians, bound up and tossed into the bottomless pit of despair. His last words can still be heard echoing up from the depths… “This well won’t end!”

LowestTruth.2635A visitor comes to a tavern in a remote corner of Metrica Province. Asurans gathered around the tables occasionally yell numbers out loud and start laughing. “#118833!” or “#88841!”.The visitor asks the bartender why they are doing this, and the bartender says “They’ve heard the same jokes so many times that they stopped telling them; now they just yell out the numbers.”The visitor, trying to fit in, yells “#556813!” and no one laughs.The bartender says “Well, some people can tell jokes and some can’t.”

EMTDJ.9042So, We all have heard about what happened when the Dredge and the Flame Legion teamed up. I bet you haven’t heard about what happened when the Flame Legion tried to team up with the Nightmare Court… Lets just say it didn’t end well for the Nightmare Court… It was a hot mess when they tried to shake hands to seal the deal, the Nightmare Court were left flame red handed, and the Nightmare Court never tried to branch out for friends again, no if, ands, or bark about it… Lets just leaf it at that.

A Rock Dog was chasing a Sylvan Hound through the forrest when it hopped up into some trees. The Rock Dog then started barking at the trees. The trees began to move and it was an Oakheart. Lets just say the Rock Dog quickly realized he was barking up the wrong tree.

timmyf.1490What’ Logan Thackeray’s favorite song? Flock of Seagulls – I Ran

Atlas.9704Two Norns were arguing who was the best.They boasted, they drank, and they kept trying to top each other’s stories.All the Norn around them listened as one drunkenly said, “I’m trying to prove my point: I’m better than you!”Finally the leader of the lodge walks up, takes their mugs away, and demands they sleep this off.The two drunken Norn asked her, “HEY Who do you think is better between the two of us?!”The Lodge Leader shrugs and says, “I don’t know nor care. It would be a Moot point.”

Mesmer favorite song: “I think I’m a clone now”

JubeiTM.5763Q: How do you know if there is a Dolyak in your refrigerator?A: The door won’t shut!

Q: What time is it when a Dolyak sits on the fence?A: Time to fix the fence!

Mad Queen Malafide.7512What do you call centaur swimwear? A taminibikini!

How many mesmers does it take to light a candle?Two! One to create the illusion that it’s lit, and another to keep the first mesmer’s pants up.

How many Asura does it take to blow up a reactor?Also two! One to conclude that this might be dangerous, and a second to disagree with him.

What do you call a Charr Barbershop?Ascalon Cat-a-combs.

metaldude.4132I roamed these lands onceThen I met a really very healthy centaur warriorHis name was ViTamini..

Silver.8023“How many Necromancers does it take to change a lightbulb?Two, one to change the lightbulb and another to clean the blood off everything.”

Two humans walk into a bar, one says to the other, ‘How many Charr does it take to change a lightbulb?’, to which the other replies, ’What’s a lightbulb?’”

Fyrebrand.4859Q: How many Order of Whispers agents does it take to change a lightbulb?A: We already did, when you weren’t looking.

Q: How many Norn does it take to change a lightbulb?A: Fifty! One to change the bulb, and the others to drink long into the night and sing tales of the heroic adventure!

Q: How many Guardians does it take to change a lightbulb?A: One. You just put the lightbulb on his head, stand him under the socket, give him a greatsword, and let him spin around for a while.

Q: How many thieves does it take to change a lightbulb?A: One to shatter the bulb with the well-aimed throw of a dagger — then, in the pitch darkness, stab you in the back and relieve you of all possessions. That is all.

Q: How many asura does it take to change a lightbulb?A: Only a bookah would phrase the question in such an simplistic manner, without appreciating the complexities of the situation. Naturally, asuran lightbulbs never need to be changed, so a security golem must sweep the area for the insurgents who vandalized said lightbulb. Next, we analyze the room with a spatial spectrometer to measure light reflection dynamics. In the event of sub-optimal parameters, an entirely new room may need to be constructed around the lightbulb, so as to fully take advantage of luminescent interplay. During construction, the security golem will be occupied with dispensing refreshments to the workers, so additional personnel will be called in…. etc. etc. etc.

Nightarch.2943’What’s the fastest way to anger a norn? Tell her that you’ve never heard of her. Ahh. it’s funny because it’s true.’

‘I hear the mortality rate for Hylek is very high. They croak every night!’

‘Why can’t you borrow money from a dwarf? Because they’re always a little short.’

’What’s a norn’s favourite drink?The next one! They’re all drunk.’

‘Two quaggans were walking in a cow posture. The first one turns to the second and says, “Foo.” The other replies, “Cows say moo.” The first looks down at his flippers and says, “no, foo. poo.”’

Link.4039What do you get when you use Hundred Blades on a Sylvari and a Tengu?-Chicken Salad.

Cloud Windfoot Omega.7485Q: How many Norn doe sit take to screw in a light-bulbA: Two! One to hold the light bulb in place, the other to drink until the room spins

Poledo.3256An Asura, a Human and a Norn walk into a bar,They pull up a seat at a table and the Norn orders a round of drinks.When the drinks arrive, each one has a fly in it.The Asura looks disgusted and pushes his drink to the side,The Human flicks the fly out and downs the drink,The Norn grabs the fly by the wings and yells at it “Spit it out ya kitten, spit it out!”

VictoriousMonk.7150A Covington pirate walks into a bar in Lion’s Arch with a peg leg, a parrot on his shoulder, and a steering wheel on his pants.The bartender says, “Hey, you’ve got a steering wheel on your pants.”The pirate says, “Yaarrrr, I know. It’s driving me nuts!”

Uriel Saintclair.6345Knock Knock!Who’s there?An Asura “I cant reach the door bell”

UKNightWatch.5742How would Rytlock teach children learn to read?See.See Thackeray.See Thackeray run.Run! Thackeray run.

Three Norn walk into a bar. You’d think one of them would have seen it!

And a really silly one to end with for now;So, a neutron walks into an Asura bar and states “I’d like a beer, please.”After the bartender gave him one, he asks “How much will that be?”“For you?” says the bartender “No charge.”

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Copy and paste from my old post in the old forum with a minor tweak:

What does a player call the mystic forge when trying to get a precursor for a Legendary dagger?The Incinerator

What do you call a player trying to get a precursor for a Legendary shortbow?The Dreamer

What did they player with The Dreamer tell his guild mates?"Never play leap frog with a unicorn."

What did the brand new player say when he got his Legendary?"Thanks MasterCard!"

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